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Juani Villarejo

It's not me, it's you

It was very difficult for George Clooney, when he was starting his career, to be selected after every audition he attended. Yes, George Clooney, the one and only Danny Ocean and the face of a successful (but not tasteful) coffee brand.

He went to many auditions but could not make anyone pick him up. His mindset at that time was, "Why didn't they choose me? I am good. I can act well, so there must be something wrong with the casting crew." He was thinking about his obstacle. His side of the problem.

This is a story that Ryan Holiday tells in one of the chapters of his book, "The Obstacle is the Way." But George Clooney wasn't alone with that feeling, as we usually have it (unconsciously sometimes) too to protect our ego.

That mindset of projecting that the problem is on the other side is what usually comes when we focus on ourselves, especially in a "picking contest," when we have to be chosen in order to move forward with our goals.

Examples of these picking contests are:

In most of the contexts where there is someone that needs to pay attention to you, to give you an opportunity, there is some form of "picking contest."

Thankfully (especially for Steven Soderbergh and the Coen brothers), George solved his problem. How did he do it? He changed the focus. Instead of focusing on his side of the problem, "Why can't they see his talent?" he focused on their side.

He realized that the casting team had their (very stressful) problems too. They needed someone that could fit well into the role and could get along well with the director. And they had to do it within a very strict deadline. Add to that, they were very tired of casting a lot of people, and they were having a lot of pressure, from producers, from the director, etc. Their job was on the line.

So George reverted the situation. He changed the perspective. By focusing on the choosers' problem, he tried to understand what the crew needed and tried to solve it. Instead of just giving "his best" audition, he focused on what was the best acting they needed and minimizing any regret they could have.

When I was in my 20s, I was going out to bars in order to comply with what we humans do for our "mating rituals" and "courtship display." I remember I always felt awkward, thinking that everyone was looking at me and judging me.

But an act of fortune led me to read in an internet post (thanks Neil Strauss). And in that post, there was a phrase I will never for forget:

You are worried that everyone is thinking about you and judging you, but in reality they are worried that everyone is thinking about them and judging them.

This sentence completely changed my perspective. This led me to be able to talk to more people (sorry computer nerd, we are social animals; other people are the ones that can give you more opportunities; I learned it the hard way).

More importantly, it led me to be more socially comfortable. Not only because with this reframing, I was removed from the spotlight, but because I understood that in order to be accepted in a group, as they are feeling judged, you need to avoid making them feel socially awkward. That they don't feel embarrassed and judged by their peers because they are talking to you. It's about their problem, not yours.

When arriving to Gordium in Phyrigia. Alexander the Great found a knot so big and so hard that none could untie it. It was said that the one who could untie it would be destined to rule all over Asia. Alexander didn't waste time or effort in trying to untie with his bare hands. He just grabbed his sword and cut through it.

The usual moral of the story is that by cutting through it instead of going with brute force, he demonstrated the power of lateral thinking.

But, going one step further, the true moral of the story, what Alexander truly did, was to change the perspective. Not thinking about himself, but what were other people's motivations, is what led him to think differently and go through unexpected ways.

Alexander needed to prove nothing to himself. He already had defeated rebellious uprisings in the Balkans; he was recognized as the leader of the Sacred League; and he recently had great victories against the Persian army in the battle of Granicus and the siege of Halicarnassus.

He thought he was destined to rule Asia. What he needed was to convince and motivate his troops and generate propaganda. That only a son of a God can effortlessly cut through his obstacles. It wasn't about him, it was about them.

A change of perspective led him to cut the knot without a sweat.

If he wanted to prove himself (and no one was seeing him), he wouldn't have cut it first, he would have tried to untie it with his bare hands in order to test his strength. But it was never about him, it was about what other people thought about him and what his troops needed to follow a leader, a son of Zeus-Ammon, to the edge of the (known) world.

Now, let's see each of the examples I gave before. We can reframe them to understand the problem from the other side.

When interviewing for a job, you need to understand what are the hiring managers' problems. What are the motivations behind it? What are they afraid? Is the interviewing process costing them a lot of time? Having interviewed a lot of people, most interviewing process efforts are made because the cost of hiring and training is huge. The process is optimized to minimize hiring the wrong candidate.

Taking this into account, is there a way you can negotiate that you can work for them as a contractor for X period or for a specific project? This would let both parties see how they work together. And then, only after that, you can renegotiate being a full-time employee. A good example of this is how the 37signals team gives a take-home project to see how their candidates can solve it in their own time and check its quality instead of a whiteboard test (I must confess I copied their hiring process in my own company).

When pitching to investors, first you need to understand what's their investing thesis, what are their checklists that your business needs to have in order to consider you.

Then, try to think about what brings excitement to the investor and how can he (or she, but sadly at the time writing this, the most probable pronoun is he) also bring that excitement to their partners at their usual meetings. Is there a possible big exit? How near? Can your business be attractive to other present and future investors?. You need to think in their terms.

Now, let's see making a sale to a customer(s). Of course, you should think about what their problem is. What are they trying to accomplish? What is their measure of progress? Do they have a workaround for their problem now? What do they use instead to solve it? Does it solve it well? What are their struggles?

It's all about their context and what making progress is for them, not their demographics (sorry marketing executive). The best material I can recommend if you want to get deep into this subject is the Jobs to Be Done theory, and the best book I read about it is Demand-Side Sales 101 by Bob Moesta.

Regarding, getting a raise, try to reflect what your manager's goals are. How he or she can get a raise too from his or her managers. A raise depends on the budget, and as these picking contests are a zero-sum game, if they give it to you, they can't give it to someone else. So think about how you are adding value to the team comparatively with your peers.

But adding value is very subjective. You need to add value for the business but also for your manager. And it doesn't end up there, others need to see that you are adding that value, so you also need to show and tell (but not so much, please), the value you are adding.

There is a quote:

"When the student is good, the teacher gets the credit."

Sadly, this happens even if the teacher doesn't have any impact, and it's all the student's merit. And this quote applies here. We can paraphrase it as:

"When the employee is good, the manager gets the credit."

If you want to be considered for the raise, you want your manager to take credit for your accomplishments.

If you read the whole piece just to read the tips and the other side perspective about dating, I am afraid to tell you, dear reader, that I am happily married and with a recently born daughter. I am retired from the fields.

The only recommendation I can give you here is to work on your inner game. Do things that improve yourself, physically and socially, and you will become more attractive. People want to be proud of their partner, and as the great Charlie Munger said:

In order to have a good partner, you need to deserve a good partner.

And this leads to this essay's conclusion. People want to have the certainties that if they pick you up, they have made the right choice, not only that they don't feel regret, but that they feel proud that they chose you above everyone else.

Whenever you have to work with somebody else, meditate constantly on how you can make them proud that they are working with you. How can you help them become better.

Remember: It's not you, it's them.

Make them proud, tiger.